An Ode to my EX… (Whatever!!!)

April 27, 2010 at 11:50 pm (break up, love, relationship) (, , , , , , )

 

love will keep us alive

   I have this person as a blessing in disguise. He’s good. he’s bad. He’s my best friend. He’s my worst enemy. He overflowes me with his love. He deprives me of my right to be loved. He wipes away my tears. He makes me cry rivers of tears. He is the builder of my foundation so strong. He is the destroyer of what I has achieved. He is my strenght. He is my weekness. He loves me. He hates me. He critisizes me. He adores me. He is close to me, yet, he is furtherest from me. He is sometimes a total Jack@#$. But all along he is my sweetheart. In short he’s my sunshine, he’s my happiness. He is quintessential in ma life.  The mere existence of him in my life has left me more mature, more understanding, more humble and more loved. His presence still gives me strenght to face the world here alone on my own so far away from home. He filled me with kindness , knowledge and attitide. He taught me “seek and you shall find”, “knock and the door shall be opened”.  He’s the pothole that was the reason for mydownfall. He’s ma staff and crutch when i am crippled. He is the reaso for ma tears and anger. he is the reson for the smile andthe grin on ma face. he aint no superman with super-human powers and neither can he fly, but I can live without it 😉 Because he is definately my one and only HIGHWAY MAN!!!

   All this for a guy who practically walked all over me and then trampled me over some bitch he was seeing before me. Hence you guys can understand why I hate the word Ex, so much.. I wrote the above after I broke up with the guy. But you know on second thought I think something else.

   There have been times that I believe that I have been touched by true love. That people have truly loved me. I know that for sure. Like that guy who said that he liked me since we were in kindergarden and finally proposed when I was 19. Who cried insestently like a little child when I said that I cant see myself with him, though I had a major crush on him. Like my first guy who said that he loved me. Who practically stalked me for three years and then he finally treated me like I was some old cloth on the hanger in his closet. Yes, I know he loved me too. Like the last guy who I was in love with. Who I thought was the answer to my prayers. Even though he cheated on me, even though he asked me to marry him and didn’t even remember about it the next day, I believe he loved me too. And so did all the road side romeos who have declared their love for me, which left more terrified and disgusted rather than ready to accept their proposals. I have always firmly believed that I have been a scapegoat for them, a toy, an object for for their amuzement. Now i know better, I now believe that they have truly loved me. Even it be for one fleeting second or a nano second. Now whether they loved me for that precise second or for eternity, all that matters is that they did love me, or rather it does not matter anymore. All the while I was blaming them for the pain and misery only to realize that all the pain was because of me. I believed in fairytales. I believed in Prince Charming. I believed in Happily Ever After. I believed that love happens only once. I believed that love only touches us once.

   Like before I am in love once again. I don’t have much to say about him. When I think about him I do not feel like jotting down a poem or something like that. Maybe its just because its love in reality not the fairytale that I was trying to create. I understand now why my previous fairytales never lasted. It was because I wanted it to work the way I wanted it to. Now it’s different because I don’t have to work so hard to make it into a fairytale. It is not but the reality of it all makes it so magical and so much more believable and so much more humane. He is my sunshine. He brings a smile on my face. He is my rainbow.  My love story has not been great. It’s not exactly a material for an epic love story n neither will it go down in history considering how we met. All that matters is that love is there without pretenses, with humility, without expectations, with commitment, without EXs and with love.

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Break Ups

April 25, 2010 at 8:59 pm (boys and girls, break up) (, , , , , , )

   Breakups. Lets face it 99.9% of the breakups that we face are horrendous, nastY and extremelY awful. In the case of breakups, in mY opinion I believe that there are three distinct groups.

   The first kind are the “I F*#$@%! don’t care” kind. The first kind is the kind that has an attitude that can win them the world. They are bold, witty, clever and are not afraid to step into the world alone. The break up does not even come so close to making them think that they will never be with that person again. It might be that they never get themselves too involved or even if they do they have a very strong mind frame that it is not the end of the world or what I think is most probable is that they are simply not bothered. Not bothered because they are just “having fun” or because the relationship has just been so strenuous and taxing that the break up is but welcome. 

   Then there is the kind who is simply, lets say, egocentric. They are the kind who believes that it is the soul industry for the other person to brood because he is above it. Sometimes they brood privately, not letting the world know what they are going through because he can’t be seen in public crying. I mean what would happen to the “macho” image if he did so, what would happen to the “strong girl” outer exhibition to the public. Nobody would ever want to ruin the image that they have so laboriously and arduously built. And there are some simply narcissistic. They are so self-absorbed that they don’t even realize that they have lost their love. “Loves Labour Lost” and he doesn’t even know it.

   And then finally there is the kind that brood and brood and brood. Not a very good to belong to, trust me. I know because I belong to this group. We think and we question. Not a very good combination, I say. Sometimes we blame the situation and the circumstances. Sometimes the other person, Sometimes ourselves (not a very good practice). Sometimes God. Sometimes Karma. Sometimes that dress we wore. My point is that at a certain point we begin to blame everything. Why did it happen?Was I not good enough for him? Is it so easy for him to get over me? Was I just a whimsical figure for him? How can he just walk out and start living a normal life without me again? Did I not love him enough or according to his standards? Did not make food for him even though I was tired, while he was watching his favorite game? Did I not go to watch that stupid action movie instead of Devil Wears Prada, when it would have been an unforgivable sin to watch something over it? Why, What, When, Where and How these are the questions that will haunt our kind for a very very long time. 

   I think that our problem is that we try to look for answers, too many answers to be precise. And often times we answer what we want to hear, totally ignoring the truth. We tend to keep on repeating these same questions over and over again. We replay each and every thing that that passed on between the two of us during the course of time when we were together. Everything seems dull, lifeless and monotonous. We begin to believe that there is going to be no one else like him. Everything that you do reminds you of him. When you walk down the roads where you walked together you remember the talks that you had and how you walked together hand in hand. When you watch TV there is no more fighting over ESPN and Star World. Your apartment is abnormally and oddly dirt free and untainted. And we hand to our memories like they were more important than diamonds and our lives. we keep on thinking about the good times that we had and we refuse to move forward. We think that we cannot live without him. But, unknowingly, we are already living without them. Miserably enough but all the more we are living. It’s just a matter of time before we move forward. In my case it took me well over three years to get over this one guy. I know I know sounds pathetic. :-)Some take less time. Some take even more time. All that matters is that we rise after our experiences and embrace our lives, our new love and ourselves with new enthusiasm and face life with a pragmatic view.

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